CAUTION: This is an emo post.and full of self pity crap.
Here's what I truly feel. Everyday I feel like a bit of me dies. I know I should just be happy (should I really?) I wanted him back, hes back what more do I want? Thing is, I don't know anymore if this is really what I want. Our relationships tainted it can't be what it was then. My mind tells me its over we cant patch things up but my heart is saying "give it another try". I can feel hes sincerity I want to believe and fall all over again but I can't (not right now I guess).
Lately i've been feeling really.. I don't know.. blue? sad? bothered? pissed? paranoid maybe? I can't seem to get the man-eating whore out of my mind. I want to reach out(reach out? God where do I get words like this?)to her and tell her that what she did was just not right.(duh?!! as if she wasn't aware of it!) Im not a religious person but since this shit happened to me i've been going to church and asking God for guidance (coz clearly I need it. I cant think rationally.Think i'm desperate? I am.) What the hell is the matter with me anyway? Mr Heartbreaker semi-dumped me (why semi? coz he said he wanted space but continued to pester me all throughout the 4 months of hell. Actually by the 2nd month of still communicating I figured what the hell lets get into this mud pit together. No use ignoring your calls and texts coz deep inside I was waiting for them) Then he returns.. of course any girl with a brain would say FUCK OFF you ASSHOLE!! DIE!!!! (get the knife you've been keeping with you in case you see him) and stab the living shit out of him. Well just so happened that i'm the stupidest girl there is. So when he decided to return I was happy and embraced him wholeheartedly. Only after couple of days I noticed that I couldn't get the man-eating whore out of my mind. Plus the paranoia that Ok any moment now hes gonna leave and go to man-eating whore.
Mr. heartbreaker, so far is all good and loving (whatever the hell that means) hes been kind (so far) BUT (yes the but again) I don't trust my judgment too much to believe. Again, any self respecting person, would have known that if you cant trust your judgment anymore then it would be wise to leave. And again, since i've lost all my self respect doing the break up hell drama I cant get myself to leave. So I'm still in it. Getting comfortable with the idea that this is just temporary and anytime soon its bye bye you ignorant little twit, twas good using you as a doormat. Nothing better than a willing slave. oh joy YAY!!!
Ok It may seem that im enjoying this stupidity but really, sometimes (well most of the time) I hate where i'm in, and i'm disappointed at myself for settling to be like this. Most of the time i'd rather I just die (whhoooot!! dying for love how lame can I be?) I'm disappointed at myself because I never thought that I would be this stupid and this weak. That just because this love crap happened im thinking that dying would be a bliss. Coz then I wouldn't be felling insecure (yes im disgusted to say this but I'm insecure over man-eating whore). Id rather I die so I wouldn't be felling like shit, my parents and friends would stop seeing me making a fool of myself.(Anytime now I'll be writing to Noisy noisy mans Down the Highway). That's why I admire people like E (Chronicles of E) hes been through a lot of shit, seen a lot of shit but still he has this zest for life, a will to enjoy his life. Me? I'm such a weak self proclaimed bitch it sucks being me. (So you can all stop reading this blog now coz really its friggin depressing) and the stupid stupid thing is, maybe im just being paranoid about all this, Maybe he really is back for good. I'm crazy. (isnt it obvious)
Here's what I truly feel. Everyday I feel like a bit of me dies. I know I should just be happy (should I really?) I wanted him back, hes back what more do I want? Thing is, I don't know anymore if this is really what I want. Our relationships tainted it can't be what it was then. My mind tells me its over we cant patch things up but my heart is saying "give it another try". I can feel hes sincerity I want to believe and fall all over again but I can't (not right now I guess).
Lately i've been feeling really.. I don't know.. blue? sad? bothered? pissed? paranoid maybe? I can't seem to get the man-eating whore out of my mind. I want to reach out(reach out? God where do I get words like this?)to her and tell her that what she did was just not right.(duh?!! as if she wasn't aware of it!) Im not a religious person but since this shit happened to me i've been going to church and asking God for guidance (coz clearly I need it. I cant think rationally.Think i'm desperate? I am.) What the hell is the matter with me anyway? Mr Heartbreaker semi-dumped me (why semi? coz he said he wanted space but continued to pester me all throughout the 4 months of hell. Actually by the 2nd month of still communicating I figured what the hell lets get into this mud pit together. No use ignoring your calls and texts coz deep inside I was waiting for them) Then he returns.. of course any girl with a brain would say FUCK OFF you ASSHOLE!! DIE!!!! (get the knife you've been keeping with you in case you see him) and stab the living shit out of him. Well just so happened that i'm the stupidest girl there is. So when he decided to return I was happy and embraced him wholeheartedly. Only after couple of days I noticed that I couldn't get the man-eating whore out of my mind. Plus the paranoia that Ok any moment now hes gonna leave and go to man-eating whore.
Mr. heartbreaker, so far is all good and loving (whatever the hell that means) hes been kind (so far) BUT (yes the but again) I don't trust my judgment too much to believe. Again, any self respecting person, would have known that if you cant trust your judgment anymore then it would be wise to leave. And again, since i've lost all my self respect doing the break up hell drama I cant get myself to leave. So I'm still in it. Getting comfortable with the idea that this is just temporary and anytime soon its bye bye you ignorant little twit, twas good using you as a doormat. Nothing better than a willing slave. oh joy YAY!!!
Ok It may seem that im enjoying this stupidity but really, sometimes (well most of the time) I hate where i'm in, and i'm disappointed at myself for settling to be like this. Most of the time i'd rather I just die (whhoooot!! dying for love how lame can I be?) I'm disappointed at myself because I never thought that I would be this stupid and this weak. That just because this love crap happened im thinking that dying would be a bliss. Coz then I wouldn't be felling insecure (yes im disgusted to say this but I'm insecure over man-eating whore). Id rather I die so I wouldn't be felling like shit, my parents and friends would stop seeing me making a fool of myself.(Anytime now I'll be writing to Noisy noisy mans Down the Highway). That's why I admire people like E (Chronicles of E) hes been through a lot of shit, seen a lot of shit but still he has this zest for life, a will to enjoy his life. Me? I'm such a weak self proclaimed bitch it sucks being me. (So you can all stop reading this blog now coz really its friggin depressing) and the stupid stupid thing is, maybe im just being paranoid about all this, Maybe he really is back for good. I'm crazy. (isnt it obvious)
3 comments:
hey we all get to that emo kill myself stage and it's a good thing that you are voicing it out...NO point talking to bitch whore..im sure she has moved and she is not thinking of you...probably when she thinks of you she's laughing deep inside....
Your emo moment is not really about mr.heartbreaker but its with bitch whore slut....Ill light a black candle for her maybe that will work hehehehehe
Everytime you get EMO just watch WOWOWEE...Irritation is better than EMO hehehehe
yo, emotionally sloppy aka...SECRET! =P
I changed my blog url...it's now http://eeedddaaa.blogspot.com/
=D
Anyway...wait until I go there. I already promised that I won't beat the hell out of Mr. Heartbreaker but if the whore suddenly shows up...this is war!
Maybe you shud be the one being beaten up. You're stupid, maybe ur brain cells need some shakin apparently it lacks electrical activity. What the hell ur thinking!
Oh well its your life, go on, go over that place again, u seem not have enough. Good luck
Post a Comment